


Moonlight

by tokyolattes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Hendery you're doing amazing sweetie, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jaemin and Yuta are bros, Jaemin cries, Jeno as a soft child, Jeno is my son, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Na Jaemin Are Best Friends, M/M, Renjun is there too, Tags will be updated as the story progresses, The Author Regrets Everything, chenji are doing their best okay, featuring my sons chenji, i made jaemin cry and i regret it, jaemin is a flirt, jeno cries, jeno is trying his best, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-02-23 21:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18710473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyolattes/pseuds/tokyolattes
Summary: The poets are right about the moonlight+Where Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin fall in love over the years, as told by the moonlight.





	1. The Beginning : As told by Jaemin Na

**Author's Note:**

> “Be present, make love. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it. Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth and a quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in your rain. Take a chance. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.:” - Paulo Coelho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Loving you was young and wild and free.” - Camilla Cabelo.

**08/13/2006**

On Jaemin Na's sixth birthday, _he fell in love._

Jaemin, having just turned six, obviously didn't realize that the weird feeling in his stomach after seeing the new boy who moved in the house next to his was everything but normal. He had regarded it as an aftereffect of eating a heavy breakfast. This seemed like a good enough explanation to Jaemin because he had never eaten such a heavy breakfast before; his stepmother had truly outdone herself in an attempt to prove herself a worthy mother for Jaemin. But she had a son of her own and Jaemin had a _mother._

Jaemin Na remembers the evening of his sixth birthday as the moment that marked the start of a thirteen-year-long struggle of self-acceptance, but on the evening in question all Jaemin Na could think about was how pretty the new boy next door was. The boy had moved into the house next door to Jaemin, the house was previously occupied by an old lady. Jaemin appreciated her existence, she was one of the few things that reminded him that not everything is different. Jaemin Na liked old people, he liked old books and old trees in his yard. He appreciated the years these things had spent growing, developing, _learning_. Jaemin had always been in favor of regularity, he liked things just the way they were. Perhaps, this attitude was emphasized by the arrival of his stepmother, _Taehee,_ but Jaemin would never admit that.

So naturally, Jaemin was ready to bully the new kid into never coming near him. But then the boy had looked at him and Oh,

_Oh,_

_that's what angels look like._

That fateful day, Jaemin Na welcomed change into his house. Pretty Boy, himself, in all his glory, was standing on his front gate.

"Hey, can I help you?"

"Uh, We just moved in next door and my mom was hoping I would go out and socialize."

"Socialize? oh. Do you want to come in?"

"If that's okay with you."

"Yeah yeah" And really why wouldn't it be okay? The boy just wanted to make friends and Jaemin could do with some friends other than Renjun and Hendery anyways.

And so Jaemin took him inside the house, but before they could talk any further, Jaemin's stepmother came into view and curiously looked at the boys, "Jaemin who is your friend?"

"H-hi, I am Je-Jeno L-Lee and I moved in next door."

"Oh, I am Jaemin. Jaemin Na."

Just then a voice interrupted them, "Oh hi! I didn't notice you coming in; did you need something?"

Jeno looked at Jaemin and Jaemin, in all his three foot two inches glory, held Jeno's hand ( _are hands always so smooth?)_ and told Taehee to not bother him. Taehee was surprised but she soon left. Jaemin took this moment to drag Jeno up to his room. When they reached his room, Jaemin finally looked at the boy, really looked at him. Jeno Lee was even prettier up close, _he was beautiful._ Lee Jeno kept smiling at Jaemin with that stupid eye smile of his and Jaemin’s stomach wouldn’t stop hurting. Jeno Lee had this way about him like he was meant to be loved. He carried the galaxy in his eyes and when he smiled his eyes would turn into crescents.

Jaemin's room, like any other six-year-olds, had toys, video games, and plain ceilings.

"Your ceiling is no fun."

"What do you mean?"

"well, mine has _had_ , the moon painted on it."

"That sounds cool." Jaemin suddenly hated his white ceilings.

"It's not just cool, it's brilliant." Jeno smiled at him _. T_ he stomachache was back.

"Uh, so tell me about yourself,"

"I'm Jeno," _yeah, Jaemin had figured that out,_ "And I like the moon."

"Oh- wait what? the moon? why?"

"It's pretty, don't you think so?" And for the first time, Jeno didn't look like he wanted to leave.

"I guess but it's nothing special."

"It's very special, I mean do you know that the moon doesn't have any light of its own? it reflects the Earth's light and it revolves around the Earth all the time. It also has phases and it's so coo-" Jeno abruptly stopped, "You probably aren't that interested though."

_Jaemin wasn't._

"No, I am very interested. I think it's fascinating."

And so Jaemin was lectured by Jeno on the moon for the next two hours. Jeno was so immersed in his explanation, he wanted to share all his knowledge about the moon with this random boy he just met. He didn't even notice that Jaemin kept looking at him.

And so on the fateful night of Jaemin Na's sixth birthday, he sat for three hours, listening as the most wonderful boy he had seen talk about the moon. Jeno had told him all about how wonderful the moon and it's company was. But to Jaemin, Jeno and his bright, black eyes were a thing of wonder. Jaemin was convinced Jeno's eyes had a galaxy of their own. When Na Jaemin was precisely six years, eleven hours and twenty-five minutes old, he fell in love with Jeno Lee's eyes and soon enough, the rest of him. He did not know at the time how much this seemingly insignificant thing was going to affect him.

"Hey, you have marker on your cheeks" Jaemin had said to pretty boy at some point during their conversation, to which Jeno had laughed, _laughed._ _Jaemin decided that he liked Jeno's laugh._

"They are moles, Nana, I and my sister both have them."

"Who is Nana?"

" _You"_

"Me?"

"Yeah, you. Jaemin is too long, Min is my sister's name and Jae sounds like Je so my only choice is Na but that's too short so Nana."

"Oh like a nickname? That's cool, I never had one before."

"Really? well then I'm glad to have given you your first nickname"

"I'm glad it was you."

Jeno's mother had come to collect him before dinner. She had thanked Taehee and Jaemin for taking care of Jeno and had explained that Jeno was very shy. _That explains the initial stutter_. Jeno had eventually left, much to Jaemin's dismay. But Jaemin found himself unable to sleep, he needed to know why his stomach kept hurting, why whenever he closed his eyes all he could see was Lee Jeno and his eye smile. He couldn't ask Taehee cause she was nosy, and his father seemed unapproachable these days. He chose to just go to his stepbrother instead. The wise Yuta had answers for everything.

"Hey, Yuta!"

"Yuta _hyung_ "

"Yes, yes. Hey, can I ask you something?"

"You already did, but sure."

"What does it mean when your stomach hurts when you look at someone?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it just kind of hurts whenever they smile or laugh or talk or blink or-"

"I get it."

"So, what does it mean?"

"Looks like someone has a crush. Who is the lucky girl?"

"It's not a girl, it's the boy from next door. Lee Jeno."

"Oh."

_Why did his tone sound disappointing?_

"What? Do you think I have a cru-"

"Hey, don't say that."

"Why?"

"Boys can't have crushes on other boys, it's just.... wrong."

"Why?' Jaemin asked almost scared of the answer.

"Mom says so, and so do the nuns at church. Mom said it's a sin. Jaemin you can't have a crush on this boy. It's wrong."

"Oh, I see. I think I just may have eaten too much cake, yeah that's it."

And just like that Jaemin had left Yuta's room. _It's just a stomachache, why would I like Jeno anyways? He's a boy._

Jaemin had not eaten a bite of his birthday cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just know Yuta would never say that but, this is fiction y'all.


	2. The Beginning : As told by Jeno Lee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You who have suffered find where love hides.  
> Give, share, use, lest we die unbloomed." - Kill Your Darlings

Jeno Lee is different.

He knows this, he knows this because he has felt like he was different his whole life. He knows for a fact that he doesn’t feel different, he just feels normal but his normal is defined a little differently. His normal is liking boys and fairytales and feeling constantly burdened by the societal standards set for boys his age.

So when at 12, he tells his mom he is in love with his best friend she kisses his forehead and says she’ll love him no matter who chooses to love. Except that she doesn't.

He sees it in the way she puts on a tight smile whenever he brings Jaemin over, a smile that is eight percent fake and twenty percent concerned and zero percent like his mom. He hears it in the sermons she has on where people share their stories of living with homosexual children. and how it might just be a phase. 

Now the thing is, Jeno has never considered himself ‘gay’. He knows for a fact that he likes Jaemin Na, likes him like his older brother likes his girlfriend. He knows he is not in love with Jaemin, love is a big word and he is still in high school.

(except that he is, he is so deeply in love with Jaemin that he can feel it weighing him dow, can feel the burden of his unshared feelings on his shoulders, suffocating him until he feels like he'll crush under them. _But he never does. That, Jeno thinks, is part of the problem.)_

But Jeno doesn't think that makes him gay, he just thinks it makes him Jeno.

_ Maybe its self-hatred or maybe it's just him being a chauvinist. _

Regardless, Jeno Lee is different.

And he knows that in his small town that has a population of exactly 17 gay people, he can not tell anyone without being grouped in with the rest. He is not ready for people to know. Not ready for them to vandalize his house with slurs. Doesn't want his mom to be outcast at work. Doesn't want people to call his Jaemin bad words when he is not wrong. So Jeno Lee hides his crush on Jaemin Na.

His crush on Jaemin Na comes with a question of much larger magnitude,  _ is his minuscule crush on his best friend really even worth all that? _

(the answer is yes, its worth all that and so much more.)

Jeno fell in love with Jaemin on the eve of his 9th Christmas. Jaemin and Jeno had officially become JaeminandJeno at this point. They did everything together, and their mothers would often joke about them being soulmates,  _ platonic soulmates of course _ . This was before puberty. Before they even knew what being gay meant. This was a time when the concept of toxic masculinity ceased to exist. 

Now, Jeno’s feelings for Jaemin did not come with a big realization, it was nothing groundbreaking. Jeno was just holding Jaemin’s hand as they were skipping along the snowy pavements and all of a sudden Jeno realized he never wanted to let go. He did not want to go home, he just wanted to hold Jaemin’s hand forever. He did not want this moment to end, not now, not ever. And in his memory, it doesn’t. The moment just continues, JaeminandJeno - Jaemin before Jeno because that’s how it always was, Jaemin would initiate everything and Jeno would follow his lead- holding hands, skipping along on pavements, innocent and sweet like all childhood love stories are. 

(Except that they were both boys. But that came after.)

The moment did, of course, end but the sudden rush of feelings never did, Jeno remembered Jaemin’s hand in his, how it had fit perfectly like its only purpose was to fit in Jeno’s hands.

Now Jeno would argue that he was too young to fall in love but deep down, he knows, he knows just how much in love he was, even back then when he was nine and now, and that scares Jeno. Scares Jeno to his core because this is foreign territory, Jaemin is starting to look like his past, his future and everything in between. The realization is scary.

So, yes, Lee Jeno is different, but maybe it isn’t so bad.

Except that Jeno feels like he will swallow his tongue before he can tell his mother and suddenly he is contemplating his whole life, but then he tries to imagine a time without Jaemin and realizes he is in too deep.

He tells his mom on the night that he turns twelve.

“Mom, I need to tell you something.” Jeno is surprised by how confident his voice sounds, it surely doesn’t sound like he can feel every cell in his body shake in fear. Jeno knows he is going to panic. Can feel the beads of sweat on his forehead.

Realistically, he knows his mom will never kick him out, she’ll just go out of her way to share her displeasure with his life choices and he isn’t sure what is worse. That is how she has always been, she never punishes him for his mistakes, she just keeps sighing and repeating his mistake to people, to the point he wishes she just punished him instead. But Jeno shouldn't complain, his mom already has too much on her plate, she is a single mother, she had to give up her youth to look after him and so he finds himself never complaining,  _no matter how burdened she makes him feel. He will never complain. He's a good boy._

“Jen, darling you can always tell me everything.”

_ He can’t. He’s learned that the hard way. _

“M-om, I….. Ummmm… IlikeJaemin.”

_ Was that too fast? _

“Huh?”

_ It was too fast. _   
“I like Jaemin.”

“Oh,”

_ Oh _ , Jeno thinks, _ she is disappointed. _

His mother leaves the room, without cutting his cake, without saying I love you and Jeno knows she just needs time to process things, that is what he tells himself at least. But it doesn't change the feeling of hopelessness, Jeno can feel his heart beating too fast, can feel the lack of air inside of him. On the night of Jeno Lee's twelfth birthday, he feels utterly alone and helpless.

So when the next morning she tells him she loves him no matter what, Jeno knows she’s lying but there’s nothing he can do about it. And he's not sure if he even wants to. Just the idea that she isn't directly expressing her disappointment makes all the difference. That is how Jeno calms himself anyway.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
